so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
