where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
