So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
