I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
