I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Randomize
