Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
