so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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