Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
