Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
