The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
