totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
