the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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