I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
