So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
