i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
