thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
