I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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