just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
