I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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