Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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