I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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