I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
