How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
