my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
