bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
