My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
