Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
