From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
