I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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