Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
