Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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