If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
a search helicopter?!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
