I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
