Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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