He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
