He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You are the jesus of drinking
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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