Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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