I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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