she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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