How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
