Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
