Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
