I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
