You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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