I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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