I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Farmville is her only friend.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
