Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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