We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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