last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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