Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
