My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
