i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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